I’ve been thinking of this moment so often recently - the moment that I realized that my emotions wouldn’t kill me (and perhaps were my ally). It was my first inkling that being with the full spectrum of emotions is not only deeply clarifying and healing, but that experiencing emotions offers deep wisdom in navigating the joys and the challenges of life.
This has been on my mind for two reasons: 1. because of my own big emotions in light of my daughter heading off for college, and 2. the struggle against feeling that so many women I know experience when faced with strong emotions.
Newly sober, life felt like sandpaper against my skin.
It was 2001, and as I took stock of my life as the haze of alcohol cleared, I was forced to reckon with what I had built for myself while drunk. It felt like running through thick mud as I faced the messes I had made in literally every area of my life.
Six months into sobriety, I knew.
I had to break up with my boyfriend of two years. The combination of me sober and him, most definitely not, was not working for either of us. I put it off; I resisted. I knew it had to end - the lack of alcohol in my system made that abundantly clear. But I was terrified. I had never experienced a breakup without the assistance and support of alcohol.
I had no idea how to survive the emotional pain of facing my aloneness sober. The breakup came and the emotions of a lifetime, kept at bay through numbing, crashed through me.
Alone in my apartment, I couldn’t stop crying.
Spring sunshine streamed in the windows - in stark contrast to the storm of emotions within me. The tears wouldn’t stop; my body wracked with waves of emotion. The breakup broke me open and emotions both past and present, would not be contained. Even as I cried, I wanted it to stop. I was terrified that the emotions would destroy me.
Would it, could it, kill me?
Pacing the floor, my meditation cushion caught my eye. I wondered what would happen if I just allowed the feelings. What if I just sat down and turned toward myself as I had been taught so many times in yoga? Had I ever really tried that?
Face swollen, eyes red, and body exhausted, I pulled out my meditation cushion and took my seat. I surrendered to the tsunami of sensation and feeling coursing through me. As I closed my eyes, I felt myself falling. I saw myself falling down a deep, black well. I let go and softened my body, allowing the tears, the swell of emotion, and the sense of falling to my death.
Finally, I hit the bottom of the well.
The tears stopped, and the calm that washed over me was immense. Not only did the feelings not kill me, but there was a sense of aliveness spreading through my body that was indescribably sweet. That was certainly not the end of my tears (or my fervent wish to avoid big, challenging feelings). However, I felt cleansed and capable. I knew it would never be any harder than that moment. I stood up, clear and open, ready to navigate what lie ahead of me to create a rich life.
May you find the courage to turn toward your emotions with tenderness and receive the blessing of your beautiful aliveness in return.