Sand Dollar
When things look bleak and broken, where is the hope and the wholeness?
Wholeness shows up in unlikely places.
I’ve been sketching as part of my meditation practice, and last weekend, I picked up my first sand dollar to render and honor - one of my first beach treasures. As a child, I lived at the edge of the world on the Oregon coast; there were ample opportunities to sift and seek on the wild beaches. I have fond memories of digging for clams, my feet going numb as I waded into the waves, and searching for shells - a distraction from the dysfunction and heartache of a family on the verge of collapse from alcoholism.
One beach in particular was always strewn with broken sand dollars. For years, I lamented that I could not find a whole sand dollar. I searched diligently every time we went to this beach. I could not, would not, give up hope.
One day, this sand dollar — whole and beautiful — was laid at my bare and frozen 9-year-old toes. I have carried this sand dollar with me since that day in awe and wonder. It is often on my altar—a beacon, a reminder of possibility and hope in the most challenging times. That wholeness is ever present, depending on where I look.
My parents’ sobriety was still a few years off when I found my whole sand dollar on that stretch of beach with nothing but broken shells. Like that beach, my family endured a long stretch of crashing waves that left trauma and brokenness in its wake. I do not diminish or romanticize that kind of chaos or violence or the tremendous energy it takes to heal from such a thing if one can heal at all. But for me, thank the goddess, even in the anger, the grief, and crawling through the pain to heal - my wholeness was intact, waiting for me.
May you find wholeness in the world around you and feel the wholeness at the heart of who you are.
Beautifully written (and drawn) and such a great reminder, especially at this time <3. It reminds me of the magic of finding sand dollars - only twice in my life have I had this thrill. Once the day my mum passed away, we all went to the beach from the hospital, shell shocked, and saw so many sand dollars - in all the 30 years I lived in the NE of England, I had never seen one, and now the beach was strewn with them. They were slightly heart shaped, and there was a heart-shaped lump of coal - my grandfather was a miner and I believe he came to bring my mum to the next life. I was floored to see these beautiful shells and the coal. My Mum used to go to the beach and collect heart-shaped shells, it felt like a message. The second one was on the NE coast of USA, I fond a whole, stunning sand dollar and she sits on my desk - first and only one in the almost 30 years I have lived in the US.
I've had this sitting in a special place to read when I could give it my full attention, and I'm grateful today is the day I was supposed to get this message. Nona, you are such a treasure. My grandmother kept a typed note taped to her office desk: The grinding that wears to nothing a lesser stone merely serves to give luster to a diamond. You, my friend, are a radiant, multi-faceted diamond who I am honored to call "friend".