Being the Change

It's been a week, and there will be more like it to be sure. What does it mean to be the change when you are heartbroken by events that are out of your control?

I abhor violence.

Many of the people I know, and speak to regularly are full of rage, grief, and heartache for the events unfolding on the global stage. Me too. I know from our collective history that this will not be the last time that we will experience shockwaves of grief and anger, often accompanied by a call to pick sides.

So after the shock and tears, the endless scrolling, and donating to valid organizations helping those who need support at ground zero, I am always left with one question.

How can I be the change I wish to see?

What the f*$% does that even mean in times of extreme polarization, climate disaster, and war? That is a fair question. I want to share the answer I’ve arrived at, hoping it might help you decide what it means for you.

But first, I am breathing with you.

I know it’s so hard to witness the pain and suffering in the world. In many ways, I believe that we are living in a soup of chronic stress that can, and will, as it accumulates in our body psyche, result in a trauma response. Interestingly, researchers have found that people who take action in a traumatic situation are less likely to experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress. This is why I ask myself in these moments, “How can I be the change?”

Action is an antidote to overwhelm. It helps you locate your power in any given situation.

I look first at myself.

If I long for an end to human against human or human against more-than-human nature violence and want all beings to experience safety, security, dignity, and peace (which I do), I look to myself first.

First and foremost, I gently (with so much compassion) acknowledge the ways that I may be at war with parts of myself. The ways I act with violence toward myself and do not honor my humanity or needs. I notice and name the ways that I dismiss or diminish who I am or what I need (it’s like death by a thousand cuts). I discount the relevance of parts of myself and justify silencing or trying to get rid of the parts that don’t agree with my view of myself. This is not a trial or judgment, but a softening and noticing - a way to connect to the very thing I judge by seeing that violence, hatred, separation, and control - are in me, too. I have to be with the truth that the essence of what is horrifying me about world events lives in me.

And, of course, I do the same to those I “other.”

Research shows that when we “other” another group or individual, we see them as less than human. This is how we are able to sit by when another individual or group suffers, or justify inflicting violence or destruction. The first thing that Hitler did was “other” the Jewish people - making them the enemy. To justify slavery, a whole body of fake scientific studies emerged to make black and brown bodies less than human.

If you are anything like me (and I love you and respect the hell out of you if you are not), on a much smaller scale, you judge “others” - people of different political or religious affiliations, certain races, neighbors you dislike, groups that promote an idea you find reprehensible.

Attention to this human proclivity to judge and “other” is the very place where you and I can be the change.

“Find the similarities, not the differences.”

This catchphrase is often used in the 12-step rooms to help the ever-isolated, always unique, addict connect with others and hear their story told in the story of others. But it is an apt invitation here as well.

I once lived in a neighborhood mostly inhabited by extremely conservative Christians who identified as Republicans. The polar opposite of where I sit on the religious and political spectrum. I was alarmed, to say the least. When I realized the demographic of my neighbors, I contemplated hiding out, never speaking to these folks, or (not kidding) moving.

I did none of those things, but instead, I looked for similarities, our common humanity, and connection. We all had children or grandchildren and all of us had a desire to see a stable, secure future for the younger humans in our lives (despite our different opinions on how to get there). Speaking of children, all of us wanted to raise healthy adults (again, there were a lot of differences in the how, but we held similar intentions). Almost all of us had pets (dogs) and loved our animals with an endearing passion. You get the point. We are all human. What a relief.

I can act on my longing for peace in my own life.

If I want to be the change, I start here with me, with my neighbors, with my own biases and “othering.” I reach across the divide and seek ways we fundamentally want the same things. I actively aspire to create connections with people with whom I disagree and I listen for the similarities. I try to affirm them.

[Note: Please do not misunderstand, some individual humans don’t like me and I don’t like them, but I can still see and connect with their humanity, and the ways in which we are similar in our desire for a better life and a better world. This doesn’t mean you have to try and find common ground with people who aren’t interested, because they’ve “othered” you. We can only do what we can do.]

You are invited.

Please be so very kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to grieve, to express your anger, to listen to the fear that may be alive in you.

And then act. Be the change you wish to see in the world. Locate your power right where you are to create the world you wish to inhabit. Acknowledge the wars you wage against yourself, and perhaps commit to a personal peace process. And then, look to your family, your neighbors, your community. Begin to look for the similarities. Find threads of connection in places where you may have “othered.” In reality, it’s often the only thing you or I can do.

How will you be the change you wish to see in the world?

With all of my love.