Anger is your ally
The healing and nourishing power of turning toward your anger as a welcome ally (with acknowledgement that this is wildly uncomfortable as a woman in our culture.)
Hello, beautiful you! I’m so glad you are here - I’m Nona Jordan, transformational master coach, psychologist, and energy healer for conscious women in business who are ready to grow their businesses authentically and experience more joyful action, greater abundance, and success on their terms.
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I am grateful for the anger that arises in me.
I believe this position is the sanest any human can take, but it is very unpopular. Women shy away from anger. I know I did for so long. There are lots of reasons for that, aren’t there? Cultural, religious, spiritual, and new-age vibrational concerns, not to mention how anger is portrayed and how often it is used for control and violence. And we have to mention the narrative around angry women - few woman I know want to say, “Hell yes, I’m going to smolder and rage all day long, incurring the wrathful judgement of the people around me.”
However, avoiding anger (or trying to suppress it) is a missed opportunity. Turning toward anger and learning how to work with the energy skillfully is an opportunity for healing, understanding, and embodying your power.
Anger is just energy and information.
I deeply appreciate the unflinching way that anger has protected me and helped me say the things that needed to be said. How anger has clarified my position and shown me the true north of my values. I am eternally grateful for the boundaries anger has helped me to set and the choices anger has insisted I make on my behalf. Anger is a teacher by contrast - showing you the no to point you toward the yes.
However, unless you choose to give anger a seat at the table, it just wreaks havoc. Trying to “be nice” or not be angry is a recipe for self-destructive behavior, confusing and unsatisfying passive-aggressive conversations, and a lot of pent-up anger, which often affirms our unexamined beliefs about the dangers of anger.
Anger is not the enemy.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve had multiple conversations with women - friends and clients - who don’t want to be angry (but they are). In each instance, I have said anger is not the enemy. It is our experience (on the receiving end) and our perceptions and beliefs - not anger itself. Anger, again, is just energy and information.
I will be the first person to say that if you are anger-avoidant, then you likely (quite probably) have unprocessed anger stored in your body psyche. Every opportunity you take to feel or express current anger, some of this stored emotion is likely going to show up, making your anger feel potentially unmanageable and out of control. Which reinforces our cultural stories that anger is “bad”.
Anger is only problematic if you don’t heed the nudges.
Like any other emotion, anger starts giving signals long before it explodes or becomes destructive/self-destructive. It’s different for everyone, but for me, it feels like a tightness and a laser-like focus that begins in my belly and spreads to my back - this lets me know that someone or something has crossed a line, violated my space, or has threatened my safety in some way.
Right here is where women often ignore it and grab another drink, eat another slice of cake, or play nice and smile, unable to let it go, building walls of resentment. This is the moment to pause and turn toward your anger to feel the energy move through your body and listen for the wisdom - what just happened? What needs my protection? What needs to be said? What action do I need to take?
Then, you have an opportunity to take action and speak up with clarity on behalf of yourself. This is incredibly courageous and a lot harder than it sounds. We are socialized to abandon ourselves and wait until we blow up or self-destruct. But the point is, other choices are wiser AND kinder.
What about unprocessed anger?
You and I could sit down for hours to talk about this. The ways I recommend you move anger and why so many women won’t. The relationship between unprocessed anger and trauma imprints. What the nervous system needs when in functional freeze or anxiety states.
The bottom line is you must give yourself permission and encouragement to practice allowing the energy of anger to move through your body. The key word is practice - kickboxing, strength training, or running. Twisting towels (hard), growling (really, I mean it), pushing against walls…. all of these are excellent ways to allow anger to move. Use your imagination - imagine who you are punching. Imagine the situation you are pushing your way out of or the people you are growling at.
And please go slower than you think you *should* if you choose to do it alone (I really recommend working with a coach or therapist that is skilled in this arena).
Be a home to all of you.
I love this poem by Tanya Markul. It speaks so eloquently to what can be a messy awakening.
i sip sweet tea
with my fear
and pick flowers
with my anger
i soak my sadness
and my hopelessness
in salt water
i let myself
be a home
to all of me
This is what I wish for you as a conscious woman in business - to be a home to all of you. It is the gratifying and illuminating path of embodying your power and finding your path to true and authentic success.
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Nona you bring home the point so well. I love how you put things in perspective!
What a beautiful poem. Thank you